it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
