Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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