I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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