My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Randomize
