at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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