smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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