just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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