I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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