I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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