is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
