one two three fourrrrnication!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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