I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
