I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
