You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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