Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
