yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The best revenge is premature balding
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
