he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
