porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
