About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
