Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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