Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
