Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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