the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
