i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize