Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
