Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
