I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
