Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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