he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
