You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
