Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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