I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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