If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
