My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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