By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
