Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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