I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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