I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
how drunk are you?
Several
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
