why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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