her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
ok first of all what the fuck
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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