Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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