the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize