Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize