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i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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