I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
