just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
