Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
