I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
