At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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