Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
