Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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