We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dick very happy bro
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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