WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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