I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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