My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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