Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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