Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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