o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
