I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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