I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The best revenge is premature balding
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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